Thursday, January 28, 2010

'A bit' means:To a small degree and 'To Break' means a lot

Quite a bit has happened since the last post. I have slept a bit, read a bit, eat a bit and relaxed a bit. I am exhausted.

I have been shooting the bull at my favorite and only group on FB (for the uninitiated its Facebook, duffer) and have inspired one of my old friend to take hunting in the process. I slapped couple of posts for another of my blog after trawling the net for hours - do I hear plagiarism claims. They don't call me the blog guy for nothing.

Also, I was into breaking. Breaking rules, protocols, promises and hearts... alas! Forgot to mention, I broke some new grounds and would write about them some other time (remember promises). And finally, I broke bread with good old friend Krishan.

Open the windows please, someone broke the wind while breaking ice.

'In a bit, Sir.'


Friday, January 22, 2010

Calling Ferdinand

My childhood story...

I was the shortest in my class and hated standing in front almost every year except 8th standard. I had picked up a bit of pace that year than one of the kid in the class. It didn't happen on its own; I had worked hard that winter - stretched till my tendons ached and tested my ligaments. I even split my grandpa's apple tree in the courtyard by swinging up and high - I nearly broke my back in the process.

I was proud of my efforts until the monsoon season that year when the little boy in front sprung up mysteriously and forced me to be the first in morning assembly queue (again). I hardly got view from the back since then.

Today, I look back and enjoy those moments - the line used to start from where I used to stand (a la Amitabh Bachan in Kalia).

Disadvantages of being the shortest in the class:

- You get called names... real nasty ones
- You are easy prey of the class bullies
- You are made to sit on the front bench (and miss the fun)
- You the first one in assembly queue (and you again miss the fun)
- You have to run errands for the senior boys etc.

Then, I had a phobia. Phobia of the city kids - I used to break into sweat and my mouth would dry each time I was introduced to the city bred kids by my parents. I literally grew up holding my mom's rezta. And, over it I was confused. Confused with thousands of questions which nobody could answer.

Still, those were the best days of my life. I miss them.

I wish we all could be FERDINAND - the bull who used to sit under the cork tree and smell the flowers and was happy.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Why So Serious?

I not only watch my step these days, I have even started watching my smile. I no longer give liberty to my facial muscles albeit I might be misunderstood. I feel obliged to educated my friends and readers on usage of smile to avoid embarrassment and ignominy though in the process they might have to forgo some royal attention from the media monkeys.

Mr Rathore had been in news more for his 'smirk' than his wrongdoing which undid him; I nearly split my guts. The 'smirk' was read and interpreted as an affected expression of a powerful Mr Rathore for which he was almost lynched by media. Mr Rathore might have misread the situation and wanted to display fortitude which he recently cleared that he learned it from one of our late prime minister in the process inviting more wrath and fury for being a loudmouth (or was he trying to say that he would have the last laugh). Mr Rathore better wipe his smile smirk and zip his lips.

Lesson 1 - Practice your smile.

Mr Rathore should have practiced his smile. He should have had a 'grimace' than a 'smirk' expressing his anxiety and troubled state of mind but it seems his misfitted denture might have stretched the muscles a little too far giving out his actual expression - the smirk.

Lesson 2 - Learn the meaning and the usage of different smile types.

grin - to draw back the lips and reveal the teeth; the media is having a field day over Mr Rathore's retort and the media bosses are grinning.

beam - smile radiantly; the journalists beamed when they captured the news bite from Mr Rathore.

smirk - smile affectedly or derisively; Mr Rathore smirked and rest is history.

sneer - smile contemptuously; no example

grimace - contort the face to indicate a certain mental or emotional state; Mr Rathore didn't grimaced when he came out of the court.

Lesson 3 - One should know history of smile.

Many biologists think the smile started as a sign of fear. Primalogist traces the smile back over 30 million years of evolution to the "fear grin". Monkeys and apes used barely clenched teeth to portray to predators that they were harmless. Biologists believe the smile has evolved differently among species and especially among humans.

What say you? And by the way has any one heard of the "Pan American smile".

Keep smiling.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Call US Snobs

I feel there is no harm in getting a swelled head as long as one is able to fit his favourite cap. Suit(e) yourself.

I started my blog after an exciting pissing game with one of the bloggers, who proudly announced that he works from home and denounced working for the government as he felt the higher ups in the government jobs are snobs and behave like lords. The fella couldn't take it and moved on to greener pastures (joined an IT company). Hats off.

He asked for an opinion on his post which I couldn't resist holding back. Rest is history - it left him a bit famous and a lot conceited (swelled headed) and I walked away as a blogger wishing him luck.

They say people's head swell when they taste a bit of success. To test this unfound theory, I observed people closely over the last couple of months and found that most associated success with material gains (no brainer) and the shift in attitude is subtle but noticeable. The mannerism, the walk, the talk change and so does the cronies.

If this is what success does to an individual then I am game for it. I hate the way I walk and talk (honestly it's not too bad though) and over it I have been conditioned to be humble and grounded. And till today, I am almost grounded (with my feet firmly planted). But it doesn't help much.

Sometime back, I had a T shirt which said - 'Call us snobs but the only card we accept is our own'. A friend picked it up for me from his favourite watering hole in Bangalore at dirt cheap price. I loved what it said and it kind of gave a voice and direction to me (till then I was clueless and after possessing it I became a snob).

It had quite a profound effect on me and unconsciously my mannerism changed when I had it on. I wore it almost everywhere and looked down on the insignificant mortals and when it lost it's sheen and the lettering faded a bit (thanks to the efforts of my maid), I switched to wearing it as an undershirt and with it I lost my snob value.

If the word 'SNOB' could have such an effect then why blame 'SUCCESS'?.
Each morning I observe my head carefully in the mirror, just in case.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Idiot

I watched 3 idiots the other day and walked out a very upset man (they seem to have stolen my jokes and gags) and not to mention poor Chetan's credit. Even I want my claim of credit and I don't mind even if it is placed before The END.

I was very like the 3 idiots and did much more then what they 3 did put together but I am still at the mercy of few good men for elevation in the hierarchy. They are perched on top of this virtual tree and all I see from where I am is you know well and even I aspire to join them (where is myself respect?).

I changed colleges, switched professions and hopped jobs and girlfriends on the call of my inner voice (which seem to have misled me). I chant allz well every time my mom taunts me when she sees my good boss giving me grief - 'beta kaha tha na!'. I have become a little wise with time; today a colleague who was visibly upset talked back and I let it pass without screwing his happiness (which is exceptional). He returned after a while and apologised regretting or fearing (that his smile might be wiped off). Jahanpana tussi great ho... It doesn't matter anymore... does it?

It's freezing cold outside and I forgot the combination to open my new strolly. I was too excited to get it as a gift and in that same excitement neatly secured my best and heavy winter clothes with the key combination: 0,0,0 or was it 0,1,0 or 9,9,9. I have tried almost all the combinations: my school roll number, my school crush's roll number, my house number, her house number, my ex's house number etc but failed to undo the lock.

These days, strolly and I have started to exchange dialogues.
Excerpt from one of the few polite conversations.

Strolly: 'Hi!'
Me: 'Hello!'
Strolly: 'So, did you get the combination?'
Me: 'No. I can't figure', with a sigh!.
Strolly: 'Do you know, you are an idiot',
Me: 'Am I. Thanks'.

So much for the difficult cold times.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The Original New Year Resolution

Most have expressed their dissatisfaction on the year (2009) that just passed by. Some had to forgo heft pay raise, some promotions and some were unhappy at the paltry returns offered for their investment and some were chaffed because of high inflation (the veggie bag never appeared so big). But, I am upset that it has added one more year to my bulging age account with vivid and grotesque visions of old age couple with groans and pains. Time can't be stopped and age can't be reversed but the claims of age defying creams and the Fountain of Youth have lured many to spend millions. In whispers ... (Does anybody know where is the Fountain of Youth?)

It seems not many would want to 'live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse'.

I have become so used to not making resolutions that it didn't occur to me that I almost missed this ritual this new year eve until I came across a well articulated article in one of the dailies. It meticulously ranked the resolutions with a percentage (Analytic Journalism). 'No resolution' took the cake.

That set me thinking.

I wanted to start small. I have heard of (and experienced) the lofty airy resolution which takes one to the dizzying heights and then the next month (week or may be day) splatters blood and teeth on the floor (another resolution bites the dirt). So, I wanted to start small.

I started really small. My first thought and resolution was to pick up the dirty laundry strewn artistically all over the house (and of course washing in private). Second random thought that crossed my mind was to clean up the food residue that had beautifully layered on the inside of my refrigerator (so much for being single); I didn't dare to look around too much in the kitchen.

Setting these two tasks as the goals for the first week have tired me (mentally). Three days have passed and I am still to decide where to start. Maybe, I would take a rain check.
- Did I hear someone say it’s raining outside.

Hope you all have a wonderful and dream fulfilling (dreamy) 2010.

The Original New Year Resolution Dictionary.

1. No resolution (I am too embarrassed to spell them)
2. Give up junk food and loose weight (I would try KFC's fried chicken and go easy on Mc fries)
3. Quit drinking and smoking (I would change my peer group)
4. Learn a new language (Nobody understood me last year. Maybe...)
5. Work hard and move up the career ladder (I was passed for promotion but I would strike back)
6. Maintain Work-life balance (Would spend less time at work)
7. Read a book each month (I would buy a book each month)
8. Broaden my horizon (Would look for more office junkets)
9. Give time to needy and help charities (Save on tax)
10. Holistic living (Eat, sleep and make merry)