Saturday, February 20, 2010

Please Interview Me

Everybody fears interviews. Ask anyone that they would be interviewed and you could see tiny beads of sweat appear gently on their forehead in the freezing cold winter making it glisten more brightly than the morning sun. And if it happens to be a job interview some even have to remove their pullover (it’s getting hot in hear).
But being on the other side of the table is equally difficult.

A tid bit from one of the interview.

Who is your favourite author?
-I do not read books.

Would you like to see Rahul Gandhi as your next PM.
-No comments.

Your favourite movie star.
-I have none.

Talk about your city.
-I was not born here.

Why you here?
-For the interview.

Why you interested in this job?
-I am not interested, I just want to experience an interview.

What would you do with the experience?

-Use it in the next interview.

Thankyou for interviewing me.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy V'Day - Love Birds

A zoo is a place for animals. That's what I always thought until my visit to a small zoo (name omitted for obvious reasons). I had to kill time and was excite at the prospect of visiting a zoo in 20 years; last I visited a zoo was when I was 10.

I asked the hotel to pack sandwiches (did I mention they charged me a bomb) and off I went. After haggling a bit with the auto driver for the fare (it always helps), I set out. It was a bright sunny day; perfect for a zoo visit. I was dropped just beside the gate which proudly announced the ZOO. I stepped in and was greeted by concrete monkeys jeering at me; I learn later why they were jeering. I ignored them and bought my ticket and declared the stuff I had in the bag and deposited the plastic bags with them.

The beautiful flamingos greeted me as I steeped in, then the goose and then the pheasant and many more caged birds. Did I mention a languor even tried to rough me when he felt I had something in my pocket and was saving it for some other animal - that made me cautious and I dared not take my hands out post that incident.

The Zoo announced to have 55 odd animals (not too big a zoo, I thought) and during my 3 hrs stay there, I spotted at least 65 odd canoodling couples. Most looked hungry and starved; I bumped into them on every turn and every good shady spot. They would stop whatever they were doing when I would approach and start again when I passed them. I wanted one to click me in the zoo and I offered my camera, the bloke was taken aback and asked do I want to click them (duffer the camera is in your hand). I politely said 'no, please click me' (he did a really bad job with the pic).

I didn't know the zoo attracted so many love birds. Maybe the place gave them a perfect place to meet, amid grunts of rhino, growl of the lion, chirping of the birds and the shades of the trees. They not only distracted me but the animals too; I could see two monkey expressing their disgust. Plus some kept the zoo keeper busy to remind them to behave.

I felt I should leave the love birds and the animals alone. I found a quite spot under the shady tree, had my sandwich and napped. After my fill of sleep I walked out a disappointed man and again I was met up by the concrete monkeys. Now I know why they were jeering.

Happy V'Day.

P.S: Zoo is not too bad a place to spend time with ones beloved though. 

Friday, February 12, 2010

My Name Is 'Kumar'

My name is Vijay Kumar, call me Vijay. I have no idea where I live but if you ask me my gender and age, I can help you with the information (let me pull that wretched ticket).

My train was late last night by 10 hours. Don't gasp, it's pretty common in this part of the world. Someone (not too intelligent) has said in jest if humans can be late why can't the train?. You definitely have a point mister.

So, I was stranded. The curious travelers gasped and empathised and then the unwarranted advises started flowing. Some accused me for mindlessly booking on a this train (they say it is never on time), one even accused me of traveling in first class and then there were some who offered to help but they couldn't look for that someones number (I was hoping it was not that someone who I mentioned at the beginning) through the phone directory who could help.

I had to sneak into any train, I have had a rough day and over it this. I was prepared to travel any class even on a general ticket - with it you have the right to get on the train into the general compartment but in all probability one would either be standing and if lucky would get some inches to squat no and then (what more could you get for Rs/- 100). I had been away for 3 days and missed home; I wanted to be home in the morning and in my cozy bed.

I dragged my luggage and looked around for some help. I ran to the reservation counter but got a little confused with the counters (they say a lot and do little), I asked an unassuming old porter where I could get my general ticket. He casually asked me where I am traveling to and his next question was do you need a ticket - my eyes lit up. Of course! he took me outside and under the rain shelter his partner flashed a wad of ticket. He handed me one it had sex as M and age 27 on it and its was a sleeper class ticket. I paid him almost twice the price of ticket but I was happy that I would be home in the morning.

The adventure starts picking speed now. I rushed back to the platform and waived the ticket to the fellows who had suggested me to get a general one. They couldn't believe I had a real confirmed ticket (most were jealous). My first task was to find out what would my name be for this journey. I only had a part of my identity (sex and age) but that's not enough sometime (some of the ticket checkers try to make their jobs interesting by asking some personal questions and quizzing the travelers).

Thirty mins before the departure time they put up the list of the traveling passenger. There I was, but not as Kamal Sharma but Vijay Kumar. My name was to be Vijay Kumar for this journey. I memorized it and practiced introducing myself as Vijay.

Sweat broke down my forehead as I recalled a T.V advert of the 80's where one traveler was pretending to be 'Praveen Chadda' and traveling on someones ticket. He had to face humiliation and not to mention a hefty fine. It played in my head over and over again. I visualized myself fumbling when the checker would look at me and try to match the details (I even had a plan B if I was asked to deboard the train). I prepared my excuse statements and rehearsed them well (just in case) - my great grandfather is unwell and would breath his last any moment, I have an exam - 'mera career ka sawal hai' etc.

I looked upwards and shot a small prayer to the almighty to save me (if everything fails). The train chugged along noisily and after about 30 nervous minutes a lanky kid of about 25 asked me for my ticket. Before he could ask anything, I diverted his attention to the broken window and the loose latch and mildly complained. He muttered some acknowledgments and handed the ticket back to me. As he passed me I heaved a sigh of relief. Finally I smiled, it was a smile of triumph and victory but more of a relief.

Caution : Never travel on someones else ticket, it's a punishable crime; unless you like trouble and excitement.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

If you not on Facebook, I do not know you.

I have always loathed (read feared) joining any group(s) or anything social which involves introducing oneself and making intelligent and proper conversations (I completely lack in this skill). I have been shouting all this while 'I do not want no thought control', but I might have to admit, I have missed meeting some nice people (and shining in their company). Remember the old adage, if you don't have your own light steal some (I just made it up - hope you like it). Let's move on.

Lately, I am hooked to Facebook (if you are not on FB please do me a favor and click on the cross sign on the top right corner of your screen). Call me snob but the only people who are going to read this post have to be on FB.

All my waking hours (I hardly sleep at home and make up for the loss in office) is spend checking and finding if any of my friend has uploaded a nice picture or written something on the wall - it gives a perfect reason to connect and bond over common things (and make up for the stupidity that I did all my life until last month when I discovered FB). I feel purged now. Thanks FB.

On last count, I have 48 friends, 61 friend requests, 6 friends suggestion and 5 group invitation. So much for being on FB ('I am not alone, you listening' - this one is for my ex ex GF). GF is short for girlfriend (don't assume it to be some sister site of FB). If you didn't know what GF is, I would request you to click on the cross sign on the top right of this page. Call me prig.

Just like we choose our friends carefully in the real world we should be careful who is on our friend list on FB (and also who is reading our blog post.)

Some stellar tips for the newbies (advisory - follow on your own peril).

- Keep your boss and your subordinate out of your friend list (why do you want them to know what you doing this evening?)

- Only add colleagues who have a common objective (ready enemy - the good old boss)

- Put the best of your pictures clicked at the most exotic locales and most expensive spots (for obvious reasons)

- Never have your ex or current on your friend list (do I need to explain this also to you. Could you please look for the cross sign on...)

- Comment only on pictures where people have left their comments (to let them know you have same if not better taste)

- In comments always mention or suggest a better beach, restaurant, holiday spot etc. (shows you are not less travelled then them)

- And when you get busted simply choose the virtual death (delete your profile)

If you have persisted reading this post you could leave a comment with your name and email, I would like to see you in my friend list on FB.